19931231
Side effects. Always check the
label for side effects.
One day, I decided to turn off the
bothersome incessant dripping faucet of my emotions, just bear down upon the
handle with my unmeasured will and dwell in the numb silence of conservation. A
deft twist to the right and there were no droplets of precious value dazzling
brightly but briefly with stolen stellar shine before its downward migration
directed each particle down the drain.
Over the course of a few long
eventful years, I have noticed, with some detachment of course, several side
effects. My eyes looked upon the visible spectrum of life and existence noting
that all was in order, save that one complete hue was missing, leaving a gap
devoid of all shade or tint. An empty hole that was not filled as it had been
before.
I shunned intimacy with an ardor
befitting of a monk, not due to religious convictions, merely because of the
rank flavor it left in my mouth, the disdaining shudder it caused to ripple
through my body. Not that I hated or loathed women, instead I found their
personality or their actions so contrary to my own that I was not inclined to
stay for any period of time in their company.
Contained within the invisible
spectrum of life, I beheld the ties that I had severed and all of the grim
implications that dangled at each shorn end. Lying within the confines also was
the possibility of various futures that could confront me, as diverse of a mass
as my nature could perpetuate, a suitable match to my colorful imagination.
Paths that might lead to anywhere, so being alone really didn't matter that
much, did it? Perhaps, at times.
Recently I reviewed my cold,
distant behavior and compared it to the duality I claim and the balance I
desire. I found myself to be negligent and even more so when it came to
admitting that my dark appearance was counterbalanced with a kindness usually
repressed beneath a flashy bravado of words and uncalculated deeds.
I found my actions to be
hypocritical and set about changing my persona to fit closer to what I claimed
to represent. I allowed the cold fire to rise in temperature, some what
uncovering a long hidden, discarded heart wrapped in unadorned black ice.
I permitted myself to again dream
of having a companion, even though I still believe this to be a near
impossibility.
Side effects. Always check the
label for side effects.
I find myself to be more human than
I ever wanted to be, with normal boundaries and nominal goals.
My loneliness, if anything, has
been amplified by the resonance of the unobtainable. I feel... I think in new,
slightly different pattern, a pattern of logical complexity and emotional
simplicity.
Is this an evolution of emotion,
have I matured in that area or is this manifestation just a regression into my
painful past where the silent cry "I hurt" was written in bright scarlet that
quickly dried and flaked to an ugly ocher that was both insanely attractive and
repugnant in my sight.
That is one portion of my past I
have no inclination to repeat.
No, I have banished that whining,
petulant child to the farthest recesses of unwanted history, overcoming him
piece by piece until all that remained was a memory.
The stranger that now stands in his
place however, is less of an evolution that a replacement, not necessarily an
improved model, simply a different one.
Yes, I am a stranger, even though
my life of late has grown more mundane and urbane, my thoughts are not your
thoughts, my dreams are not your dreams. They are strange in their inherent
intensity and range, by the very fingerprints of the cold touch I have been
discussing.
The wonders of emotion are
exasperating from time to time. It may be that all I require for further
maturation of my emotions to become more at peace with myself, but I worry
deeply over losing my dreams, or perhaps fear the comfortable living death of
normality. Either way, I am a warlike creature, hence this struggle feeds my
mind a delicious blend of questions for me to chew.
The coldness of space, the furnace
of the sun, or somewhere in between.
Sometimes I just wish that answers
were a little more readily apparent, not to mention more palatable.
[© 1993 Joseph Wheeler,
all rights reserved]