Throughout the ages of mankind, the unknown has dominated our curiosity, controlled us through religion, and generally confused the living hell out of us. It all began with Adam talking to God, if you're Christian, or some Hindu worshipping a cow, if you're not. While some of these instances seem to be true, or inexplicable, others have been easily deciphered and figured out, like Moses and the burning bush. From what I hear, Egyptian weed is strong stuff.
Next we moved on to Confusion and Booty over in China and the dude on a dead tree in Israel, while the Romans copied the Greeks everywhere else... from behind that is. Of course this is all old news to you. So is that new age of mysticism, although that's mostly cynicism on my part.
But we still put up with these Tarot readings and sexual rune mantras and even the occasional reincarnation diviner who says that you were once Alexander the Great.
Now I can proudly say that we have outgrown of all this tomfoolery and can proceed with clear minds toward the ultimate in metaphysics, Psychic Shoe Sole Readings!
This new breakthrough in prescience has been scientifically proven to predict others' future love and success in life by analyzing their shoe sole. That's right! It's now possible to be in complete harmony with the future without having to follow some biofeedback printout or meditating on the unreal for six hours a day. In just six minutes you can tell the suckers, in no uncertain terms, what their sex life will be for the next week and whether or not their boss will fire them tomorrow. All you need from them is a pair of shoes, a thousand dollars, a low IQ and you're on your way to the new psychic dependence syndrome.
All this has been made possible by the genius of Doctor Sigfried Frond. Doctor Frond knew that his divining abilities were destined to change the world and this has pushed him to explore his strange and rare gift for its highest moneymaking potential.
Sigfried Frond is truly a man of vision, and this is evident from his remarkable discovery that he could best see the future by analyzing a person's sole. He then began programming his computer to compile all of the facts dealing with prescient shoe readings and gave us the revolutionary plan in ripping off people that we are now offering to you. Yes, you can now buy Doctor Frond's amazing computer psychic shoe sole reading rip-off for your home PC.
No longer do you have to slave all night over your sermon, or slash your wrists in order to gain second sight from Mephistopheles, just send us all of your current savings and if that's not enough we offer you our special finance deal. All we do is take fifty percent of your earnings for life.
So quit trying to tell people that they're going to Hell because they're messing around. Use Frond's sole readings to tell them when they'll be messing around and who with! Send Doctor Frond your money today, mail it to 69 Sole Sight Drive, Nowhereville, CA 93245.
[© 2002 Joseph Wheeler, all rights reserved]